nobody but jeremy himself liked uncle alfie.. but there he was sitting in the front row along with all his other brothers and their second third and forth wives much younger than themselves..english tarts wearing those daft fascinator things on top of piled up processed hair. uncle alfie sat squeezing the life out of his wife’s arthritic hand, who he’d fallen for at junior school around seventy years ago…she knew why he was tense, but bit his ear off anyway just to make him relax.
from the corner of his eye, jeremy caught his aunty elsie reprimanding uncle alfie and relished it. he modelled himself on his uncle, and looked forward to the inevitable life lesson he and harriet would receive on a manicured hotel lawn, later on after the grub.
jeremy and his dear heart harriet were having a moment alone on a frilly ugly garden bench in the sunshine, waiting for uncle alfie, while everyone inside was getting drunk and vomiting as a means of coping with the awful atmosphere hanging over two unmixable mediocre families… ‘come on eileen’ by dexy’s midnight runners wafted through skinny diseased poplar trees along with a load of other predictable golden oldies, occasionally intercepted by the fake suntan voice of an ageing disc jockey earning his fee.
much to jeremy’s delight, alfie and elsie magically appeared out of nowhere
the reason why we’ve been together for so long is because we argue… my boney old wife here is constant earache, and i’m forever getting things off my hairless chest too.. it keeps our blood pressure down…unlike your pink fat flabby father and mother, our hearts are in perfect working order because of it. thing is jeremy… husbands and wives who don’t argue are either dead in the water, or about to implode. me and elsie are alive and kicking in our eighties with tongues as sharp as knives.. we’re not blunt with each other…we slice straight to the heart of things…all our arguing has exercised us in the art of english language…you can read as many books as you like, but the best way to get your head around words is to spit them out and make sure whoever needs to be listening is listening. this world is full of cunts..just look at those drunks inside that hideous hotel…who picked this popsicle stand anyway…..
at that point jeremy’s freshly wedded wife harriet got up crying, threw her freshly wedded husband down on the grass, placed her high heal shoe over his throat, and told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever spoke to her in the tone of his uncle, she would FUCK HIM UP… for once in his life, uncle alfie was speechless ……
what works for some folk, won’t necessarily work for others.