if these walls could talk

attendant-07tanya tampon goes down in history as one of england’s trailblazing female punk rock icons. she was the first to tackle feminist issues in pop music.. her smash hit ‘gonna make my boyfriend bleed’  made her no money until recently when quentin tarantino featured it in a soundtrack for a blockbuster movie…suddenly lorry loads of lolly shat down into her bank account, and tanya was able to buy a humble apartment in fitzrovia where for years she lead a far grittier life as a young male prostitute…tanya tampon is a boy, but nobody in 1976 knew that.

on the corner of foley st in fitzrovia, there’s an underground mens public toilet that’s now restyled as a bijou coffee bar. all the lovely old porcelain urinals are polished up to a high shine to function as little divides for rich city folk to lean against while drinking full flavoured expressos.

tanya, who no longer dresses like a girl, takes a short walk from her new flat to the toilet flavoured coffee bar and recalls her own experiences there in the 1970’s before punk rock, when she made a bearable living blowing angry men off in the dark for five quid a go. at first she feels ashamed and deeply depressed about it all, but then her medication kicks in along with the strong coffee, and the walls starts talking to her in comforting tones.

“tanya! tanya!…it could have been so much worse back home in tipperary… here in london you saved a lot of angry english men from either killing themselves or their unfulfilled wives… you took the pressure off so many dangerous situations without ever knowing… one of the men you pleasured right here by this polished up pisser was a defence minister who foiled a number of IRA attacks on the city… the relief you gave, helped the old brainbox regain clarity of thought on a number of dangerous occasions.. he talks affectionately of you in his autobiography.. one day the world will acknowledge your services to mankind”

tanya laughed inwardly at her own colourful history, drank up and headed back to her tiny studio apartment..she sat by the window in the near empty open plan room looking out over fitzrovia square, when the walls once again started talking to her, just like in the underground toilet flavoured coffee bar on the corner of foley street…

“you’re home now tanya..things are going to get good from now on. i’m a lucky room. everyone who ever lived in me had a blast. play your soft ambient records and fill my shelves up with all your crazy books about art and fucked up people..bring me to life once more. on warm london nights you can leave the window open when you sleep….you’re safe here.. your cock sucking days are over”

later on in the year, king william, who’s taken over from his old mother, had the awkward task of anointing tanya with an O.B.E for her services to the country..  it was a warm autumn afternoon, so the ceremony took place in the outdoor yard of buckingham palace..the king was frosty and reluctant, but tanya and a few faggy friends lapped it up for all they were worth, especially when tanya had to go down on one knee.

it turns out everyone’s got something to offer.

tanya tampon and the toilet attendants ‘gonna make my boyfriend bleed’ was re-issued by rough trade records on limited edition vintage cd.. valentines day 2019attendant-cafe-original-urinals-537x402



This entry was posted in art, fun, london, music, politics, sex, travel, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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