brighton isn’t the only rock n roll seaside town within hours..up on the north coast of ireland is a place called portrush…it got its name during the psychedelic 1960’s because at that time it was a rare port of call for those in need of a head rush.. hence the name.. portrush
it was a dream back then, and the heart of the town lay in it’s loud jukeboxes peppered along main street amusement arcades, but philistines ripped the heart out of portrush on the day they pulled the plug on those jukeboxes to honour a new digital age of everything and nothing, dawning on the silvery atlantic horizon.
once upon a time kids used to comb the soft sandy beaches in search of returnable empty soft drink bottles, then take them back to candy coloured sweetshops for extra pocket money, while hippies and mods looked down from grassy dunes high on L.S.D…. camp homosexuals would hang around the fresh smelling coastal toilets that never stank like the ones in london town, cause the big surfer waves off the sea would gush in and flush the place out along with the closeted married men who’d nip in their for wordless hand jobs
the fish n chips were the tastiest in the land cause they never changed the fat in the fryers, so the grease just garnered more and more flavour as summer rolled along. health and safety laws changed all that when a few lily livered lightweights got food poisoning… the clandestine underground culture of camp homosexuals disappeared as well.. they all wanted to be out and proud and get married in churches to live like all the other lower middle class heterosexuals, but there’s a continuing campaign called ‘S.U.S’ which stands for ‘save ulster from sodomy’, so their dream is still a long time coming.
nowhere in this filthy polluted world has cleaner air than portrush… visitors from london or new york who aren’t used to it, get dizzy and pass out high up on the outdoor big dipper rides, much to the amusement of the rosy cheeked locals….the water is so soft it doesn’t leave a ring of scum around bath tubs… the drugs might not have the same deathly potency like the ones in london town or lost angeles, but they get delivered to your door by dealers who play drums and guitars faster than most, cause there’s nothing else for them to do on the coast, but get better and better upon their battered electrical instruments.
in the 1990’s that magical seaside town had been reduced to nothing but a haven for property developers.. brand new coastal apartments peddled to city folk who hardly visited, or when they did, brought their own crappy health food with them. those vampires sucked the spunk out of portrush with the driest blow job ever….in the 1970’s it was anticipated how the new university up the road would imbue things with a little bit of beat poet sophistication, but all the students who came over from english towns like hull or grimsby were terribly underwhelming and only added a strange view of hooded duffle coats, scratching around green coastal golf courses for magic mushrooms during autumn, to scramble their academic brains with…it was beyond depressing…
however… in the year 2019, portrush was saved by it’s own rock n roll heritage with a new young pop group called ‘the portrush dolls’.. a 21st century upgrade on the new york dolls ..these boys were taught up close by their drug dealing fathers and uncles, so by the time they were sixteen they were already deadly proficient players…naturally the world began beating a pathway to their seaside door, and in no time the neon lights in the arcades flickered back on again.the philistines who pulled the plug on the jukeboxes were obliged to plug them right back in again…the town once again thrived, and there was simply no time to replace the deep fat in the fryer every week, so the fish n chips started tasting good again…the homos stopped acting straight and went back to being camp and glittery. they were in fact featured dripping with beautiful shame on the debut album sleeve for the portrush dolls, standing outside the most notorious toilets in town, just by the harbour. that record went multi platinum, just like blondie or guns n roses.
rock n roll money talked, and boring bullshit walked.
merry christmas to everyone from my hometown… i love you.
mary fairy liquid