cornelia having a shit in the woods

540c16bdof all the divas, cornelia was the most elegant and airbrushed.. a marvellous example of edited image in the name of maximum market reach.

she’s a perfect blend of mythology and plausibility .. her singing voice warm and real, yet staggeringly precise…possibly too precise as she swoops up and down on her melodies like a bald black eagle. a full time makeup artist follows closely behind wherever she goes. she smells amazing, but no one knows what of. no one knows too much about her at all.

the long white bearded music guru who overlords cornelia’s career was the first to see her market share take a slight dip at the end of a fiscal year…no one clocked the leak in her boat except her most inner sanctum of cohorts, and nerves began to fray.

it was decided cornelia should take two years out from the public eye…she was exhausted anyway, and longed to get away from big glacier cities and hotel penthouses, so her people rented a small cottage out in hertfordshire..far enough out, yet near enough in for old school friends around the seven sisters area of north london to come by and catch up.

it was pure relief not being followed by a makeup artist all day. cornelia felt like she was reclaiming something of herself..but this was at the expense of even more market share ..it it was all slipping through her fingers like sand….she was unaware, but everyone else was nervous.

and then something disastrous happened… one night in the cottage, cornelia and her friends sent out for a madras curry..it was delish..a forbidden treat since her browbeating singing coach was dead against any overly spicy food. it’d been such a long time and her tummy was taken by surprise, so the next day her innards started to gurgle, and while she was walking around secluded woods beyond the cottage, she urgently needed to take a shit..so there she is…cornelia the diva of all divas.. no makeup on..squatting like a black labrador over a mound of autumn leaves, laying a cable with all the girth of a gas pipe.

the paparazzi had been supremely clever this time..so clever, cornelia had forgotten all about them…their strategy was to get cornelia relaxed by delivering no pictures at all, and to just wait until an opportunity arrived for a humdinger money shot… the thing is, because cornelia was falling so far off the radar, there was only one snapper left bothering to keep track of her…therefore only one set of these golden shots exists.. once he’d taken them, he felt his blood rush….. was he within the boundaries of the law?  were the shots even printable?..either way the photographs were very strong..quite beautiful in their own earthy way. he knew he couldn’t just sit on them, but felt a weak pang of fake guilt anyhow, so instead of sending them directly to the biggest tabloid agency, he generously offered blackmail to the cornelia organization first.  they panicked and initially offered ridiculous money to buy these pictures of their diva squatting down with both eyes bulging out of her head while pushing out a fat one.

later that same day the bearded guru who overlorded her career summoned cornelia out into his lush garden in surrey…she wept with fear, but there under clear glass, in a dome shaped conservatory sipping warm camomile tea, he spoke wise words of comfort and joy..“all is well in our world”…  “we will swim with the tide only faster”….what he meant was.. “we are going to use this shit to our advantage”

with cornelia sat right there in front of him, he called the photographer and congratulated him on achieving such unique ground breaking portraits of his diva…he particularly liked the profile shot where heavenly shafts of sunlight shine down through the trees and on to his star while in the earthly squat position, eyes bulging, with mouth turned downwards, all flaps open for taking her toilet……you can almost hear her gurning in that photograph. he suggested rather than blackmail the cornelia organisation, to could go for bigger money at the world news corporation. he then gently put phone down and rolled a joint.

the plan worked a treat…cornelia who for too long had been perceived as an unreachable anodyne proposition, was now levelled down to the height of every other north london girl. her stock went sky high for the second time..a whole new audience hungry for authenticity arrived, and all on the back of a photograph of her taking a shit in the woods.

This entry was posted in art, fun, london, love, music, photography, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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