okay bruv.. i’m not gonna bovver asking you to share in the rent, cause you’re not gonna be here long enough ARE YOU, but while you’re wasting time stealing all my kit kats from the fridge, the least you can do is run a few errands…so here’s a list
kit kats, (two of the family size packs..it’s cheaper that way) make sure you load them into the bag last so they don’t get broken by heavier things…a big wad of toilet rolls, and none of that fancy stuff..get the very very cheapest for fuck sake…four ready made cheese n pickle sandwiches on white bread… do not eat any of these you cunt..they are for me when i come home after nightshift…..a big bar of soap please..the cheapest on the shelf. a big thing of milk and a large box of sugar puffs…if they’ve ran out of sugar puffs, a big box of corn flakes will have to do…sugar…a small jar of maxwell house instant coffee.. two packets of maynards wine gums.. NOT the supermarket brand as they make me heave. DO NOT buy vegetables of any kind cause they make the flat smell funny.. four cans of del monte pear halves….if you wanna get on the right side of my girlfriend, buy her a nice big bag of firm fresh green seedless grapes.. make sure they’re seedless…
after you’ve done all that, head over into deepest soho and pick up my weed…arnie is expecting you…don’t be nervous..as you already know he’s a big fagg and fancies the fuck out of you, so if he makes a harmless pass, don’t freak .. just style it out…suck his fucking knob if you have to, cause his weed is nice. stay on the right side of the cunt (only joking about sucking his knob… not unless you want to…i won’t tell mum)
do not smoke my weed you cunt…i know exactly what i’ve paid for, so don’t fuck with me…i’ll give you a slice when i get in later.
clean the toilet you pig…you left skid marks down the side of the bowl…it freaked my bird out…if you fuck with her, you fuck with me sonny…best add bleach to the shopping list.
also… i know you’ve received this email cause i heard your iPhone go ping while you were sleeping..do not fuck with me
and last, but by no means least…happy flat hunting you cunt…i’ve left cash in the usual place…be aware i’ll be wanting some change.
i love you baby bruv.